Uncertainty

(edited)

I miss;

the way you talked to me.

the way you looked at me.

the way you disturbed me.

each and everything you said.

the way you used to ask silly questions.

the way you used to hold me tight in your arms.

the way you used to kiss me on the cheeks.

the way you used to tell me that with you around, everything would be fine.

lying on your shoulders whenever I'm down/tired.

telling you everything under the sun, no matter good or bad, happy or sad.

falling asleep while listening to your heartbeat.

You:(

No matter how bad people said you are, somehow, I can't bring myself to hate you. Logically, you're bad. That of course, I know. But, I can't seem to convince myself... Last night, I was really feeling better. I told myself not to get affected by whatever you said. But after the phonecall from you, idk why but the tears just came falling down.

What a day to have with a fluctuating mood. It gets better only with the help of nicotine. I don't care if I'm ruining myself. I don't care if I'm feeling awful. Cause nobody cares anymore. Today, lan sucks! :( Kept thinking of how would you disallow me to go for lan with Kimmy in the past. I feel so out of sorts without your messages asking where am I and stuffs. I can't let you go. No matter what I said last night. You knew that wasn't me. Obviously, those words didn't come from my heart. I didn't mean each and everything I said. Esp one sentence: "So what if it's your last day?" I'm sorry, I said that. You know I'm hurting deep down when I said that? You knew me well enough to ask if I really mean it. I'm sorry, I lied again, but I have to..... You don't seem to be normal on the phone last night. The way and the tone you spoke, it's different. Not hostility, not happiness. But ______ (Words can't get it right) To put it simply, your tone doesn't sound happy. But not exactly..... Fuck, that's why I said I can't describe in words ;x Luckily, I managed to end the call fast enough before tears started falling again. Regretting what I said and thinking of how you spoke. It worries me, the way you spoke. It seems like you're hiding something from me. I got a feeling, it's got something to do with our breakup. ;X Whatever it is, what's over is over. Nothing's gonna change anything. Maybe it's god's will, that ytd was your last day. Our fate has since ended. You are you, I am I. We're not one anymore. Nothing's going to be the same anymore. I yearn for your touch, your call, your messages, your love.

---

不爱你是藉口.
不要分了以後还记得亲吻过的承诺.
你的永久已不属於我.
你的笑, 你的快乐, 不是我.
请原谅我, 好想自私将你占有.
爱太多, 想太多.

Lan-Clementi-Paya Lebar-Town.

I don't feel fine in the morning during lan:( It got better after a few sticks. Left for Clementi, finefinefine.... Still alright. Shopped at City Plaza, heard a song in a shop, and down my mood went:( After that, I walked away from shops playing slow songs ._. Not any better even after having nicotine ;x Bused to town. Wasn't feeling alright, everything came flooding into my mind, out of a sudden. ;C One more again after alighting the bus. Felt better and weeeee had sushi tei for lunch/dinner(: Before eating, kim and me went down to Bakerzin and bought a cake for Yijing without her knowledge ;pp Everything was fine, very fine. Until the mention of his name...... Everything fell:( Went out for a break tgt with Kim after eating, and felt much much better. Then the cake came(: YAY! Chua should be surprised! XDD Heeren after that to get present for ahquan and got a shirt for myself! ^^ Rejoice~ Slacked arnd, and went home with an uncomfy stomach ;//