Ain't a good girl.

I ain't a good girl. I drink. I smoke. I scold. I don't care for people. (L) was right. Whatever I do, whatever I decided. I never thought of your feelings. I didn't thought of how you would feel. I didn't care how you would worry. You were right to scold me. I am selfish. I don't put others interests in front of mine. I do what I want to and forget about how others would feel. It was my fault. Entirely mine. It was right of you to control me. To be strict with me. Cause at least whenever I don't listen to my mum, there's still you to control me. Although I hate to be controlled, I'd let you. Cause I know it's for my own good. I'm sorry, really am. I know no matter how much sorries I said, you'd still be angry with me...... I'm not a good girlfriend:( It's hard to love myself more than I love you. But if you insist on leaving, I'll let you go. No matter what I say it'd not help. Sorry that I lied again. I gotta do something to cheer myself up so I went for lan. I thought everything was fine alr. Until a call from you. Then followed by the messages. I guess I was very wrong. Nothing would be fine. Nothing would be alright. Nothing would be well. Everything is crashing down on me. Just say it if you wanna leave. Don't ask me if we still should be tgt. Cause my answer would always be a yes. Ask yourself do you still wanna be with me? If the answer's a no, I'd accept it with open arms. Cause it was my fault. My fault for not listening to you. My fault for lying to you. My fault for not caring about your feelings. Korn was right. Running away won't solve any problems. But I'm very afraid:( I don't wanna to run away too, but I don't dare face it. I feel like such a coward. I'm really afraid. Although I said I'd let you go. I'm not sure what would be of me in the future. I know for sure I won't quit smoking alr. I know for sure, I'd go astray. I know for sure without you, I'd not be the normal me. I'd not be sad. Just that I'd not smile as cheerfully anymore. I'd not cry. Just that you'd not see me laughing as heartily as before. I'm really not a good girlfriend. Just leave me alone if that makes you happier. If that makes you worry-free. Or at least, reduce your worries. I'd not blame you for breaking your promise. Your promise to be with me forever? Cause I broke my promises to you umpteen times. I can't blame you for that. I'm sorry, really am. If only we could be like how we were once...... I don't want you to leave. But, I'd still let you go, for some reasons:( Mum was right. Whatever grave mistakes I made, I never once considered her feelings. Whatever decisions I made, I never thought of the consequences. I never thought of whether she would quarrel with dad because of me or not. I never thought that she would worry about me whenever I lie to her. I'm not a good daughter. Never a good one:( I couldn't comfort my friends who are sad. I don't know what to tell them to make them feel better, cause be it r/s or family problems I also have alot. I'm in no position to give any advices:( I ain't a good friend to anybody.
If someday you see me quit the job, it's cause we're over......