Find me back

Is this the only way out? I don't want things to get worst. (L) end work quick, I'm going bonkers soon. No more accompaniment of cigarettes, I really need you. A long time since I felt so lost cause of a quarrel with family. So what is the real meaning of the word: FAMILY? Father-Mother-I-Love-You? Like what Kimmy mentioned on her blog? Or like what most people said? Perhaps that's the meaning for most people, but it isn't for me. Somehow, I don't know should I love my dad. He left me when I was still a little girl. Or should I say, mummy disallows me to see him. Yeap, so I've vague memories of him. In my family, father doesn't exist. I guess Kimmy would start asking how about the person whom I've been mentioning to be my dad all along after reading this ;// It's been over 10years since I last seen daddy. I don't really think of him that often anymore, maybe cause I've gotten used to life without him alr. Please, it's more than 10years afterall. Even if I were to walk past him somewhere on the streets, I'd not even know it's him:( Saddening huhs? That's it, I call it my life.

As I lay on my bed thinking of stuffs, tears just rolled down my cheeks.

I don't know why, but I suddenly yearn for you to be by my side,

to disturb me, to listen to my craps,

to entertain me, and to tell me everything would be alright.

Holding me close, it really makes me feel everything is perfect....

Relying upon nicotine is my source of solution now. I don't care how awful I'm going to feel after chain smoking, I'm out to ruin my own life. Since it's alr in such a mess, I've given up:( Thank you for all these. I'm scared that I'd cry tmr during work. Or worst, before work when I meet (L) at the stairs. I have a hunch that I'd break down. Cause I'd feel relaxed knowing that he's still there for me(:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud, it is not rude. It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs......